The Weird Kid

It's Christmas Eve. I'm just so happy. I should write it to myself because it isn't going to be interesting or well written, it's just pouring out, but this is my writing medium now.

Everything has been right. My tree has decorations, and they're good, they're just right, I made them myself, all of them, from salt dough and Sculpy, I tied red and gold ribbon around the branches. Big fat lights, like they had when I was a kid. Sweet and good..the smell, the feel. I hauled the tree myself. Effort equals reward.

I made Smudge a bunny, knitted it from purple yarn. Sean says it looks like a rapist bunny, the kind of bunny that kills drifters. A little crazy eyed and Frankenstein stitched. I think it's so cool. She isn't interested in it now, but she'll take it to college with her when she leaves.

Tonight we furthered our tradition. So important to have solid, happy traditions, so we're making them. Such a luxury, to do the same safe warm thing every year. Handmade candycanes from the hippie store, coco, and Emmet Otter's JugBand Christmas. Smudge and I laid against Sean, against his broad chest and soft robe, Smudge swayed to the music and clapped after songs. She stood, and when Sean held out his hands for a hug, she grinned so wide and leapt onto his chest, into his arms, and he laughed and I started to tear up a little. This is so...happy.

I'll make turkey tomorrow for us, just us, and real potatoes. I'll watch more cozy winter Dr. Who and we'll all open presents that someone who loved us thought hard about us liking before buying.

I know this...I know how good this is. I know how special it is to have a good Christmas and not a survival Christmas. I've had so many years of those.

I'm so happy right now.