The Weird Kid
Monday, July 28, 2008
Fear made flesh
Panic attacks brought me to shameful, whimpering catatonia before and during my first pregnancy. But I learned that the attacks were my own doing, and to stop them. And they have been gone since about a week after Smudge's birth.
Two weeks ago I had the first dark tickle of the old terror. Lying in bed, post-sex, post-birth control. I lay there, and I thought, "What if it is happening right....right now?" What if that irrevocable decision is fusing to my body, attaching life to my life, right now? What am I doing, o god what if I want to stop?" And that swirl, that loss of control started to climb up me.
Our decision to have another child is the fulfillment of a duty, to our daughter and to our future selves. We believe it is the right thing to do. Two kids. Two kids is right and good. But somehow I have cognitively dissonanced "two kids" from "have another baby." I want the first but not the latter.
I have created a misery in my brain. I expect this. Two babies, ravenous and brutal for my attention. Pulling my ugly hair and struggling against their car seats. The screams. I hate screams. Up all night again, not sleeping with my husband in my big blue bed, instead finding myself attached to a dirty-feeling breast pump in the middle of the night. Having to readjust, that painful painful readjusting.
Yet our family isn't complete yet. We know we...we just need another.
I got my period today. Far from relieved, I just know now I have to keep trying, trying to create my love and my fears into flesh.
Two weeks ago I had the first dark tickle of the old terror. Lying in bed, post-sex, post-birth control. I lay there, and I thought, "What if it is happening right....right now?" What if that irrevocable decision is fusing to my body, attaching life to my life, right now? What am I doing, o god what if I want to stop?" And that swirl, that loss of control started to climb up me.
Our decision to have another child is the fulfillment of a duty, to our daughter and to our future selves. We believe it is the right thing to do. Two kids. Two kids is right and good. But somehow I have cognitively dissonanced "two kids" from "have another baby." I want the first but not the latter.
I have created a misery in my brain. I expect this. Two babies, ravenous and brutal for my attention. Pulling my ugly hair and struggling against their car seats. The screams. I hate screams. Up all night again, not sleeping with my husband in my big blue bed, instead finding myself attached to a dirty-feeling breast pump in the middle of the night. Having to readjust, that painful painful readjusting.
Yet our family isn't complete yet. We know we...we just need another.
I got my period today. Far from relieved, I just know now I have to keep trying, trying to create my love and my fears into flesh.
posted by Imez at 9:40 PM
2 Comments:
Um, honey? Two kids is great, yeah. But I had the same thing. Insomnia, panic attacks, horrors. I got pregnant and got a serious bout of insomnia and realized I couldn't live without sleeping pills.
But I miscarried anyway.
I sometimes wonder. But I'm very happy with one. One is good. It's less population growth. It's less dependence on foreign oil.
And it's one kid I can mold into the perfect writer and guitar player. She's got all our attention.
And I get all my sleep.
I'm a selfish bitch sometimes.
I'm not sure what to say here, but I think you should only get pregnant if you want to. Two kids are awesome, but sanity is better :)
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