The Weird Kid
Friday, July 11, 2008
Catchy Title
I muttered to Sean that I had a new blog going. I wouldn't tell him where it was, though. Not ready. He was unnerved and asked, "Is it the 'My Fat Fuck Husband and His Screaming Brat' Blog?"
Well, it hadn't been. But now I must consider.
Screaming Brat. Motherhood is hard on me. Ha ha! I know, that makes me incredibly unique, with a delicate and beautiful pain that runs much deeper than any of yours. I'm simply turgid with complexities, you know.
What I mean to say is, I think half of all known blogs are the recountings of the sweet mishaps of mothering. 'My kids are just nuts but man oh man do I love them.'
I just can't feel that coming out of me. And I feel, wary? of myself because I don't have it coming out of me. I waited for motherhood to switch me over. Take me out of myself, to shut off that bad piece of brain. But now I just have less time to be inside myself and it makes me lie on the couch and despair.
Today I gave my daughter, she is 19 months, a look that made her start to sob. She was reaching for me and screaming for no reason and I was just...sick of it. Just a look. Sean saw it. He said it was monstrous. Like I was looking at a creature completely alien to me, that the only thing I knew about it was that it was something to despise.
I felt terrible. Poor kid. Poor kid. I resolve never to let my baby feel like that again.
Sometimes I think I'm unraveling.
But I've never gotten wound.
Well, it hadn't been. But now I must consider.
Screaming Brat. Motherhood is hard on me. Ha ha! I know, that makes me incredibly unique, with a delicate and beautiful pain that runs much deeper than any of yours. I'm simply turgid with complexities, you know.
What I mean to say is, I think half of all known blogs are the recountings of the sweet mishaps of mothering. 'My kids are just nuts but man oh man do I love them.'
I just can't feel that coming out of me. And I feel, wary? of myself because I don't have it coming out of me. I waited for motherhood to switch me over. Take me out of myself, to shut off that bad piece of brain. But now I just have less time to be inside myself and it makes me lie on the couch and despair.
Today I gave my daughter, she is 19 months, a look that made her start to sob. She was reaching for me and screaming for no reason and I was just...sick of it. Just a look. Sean saw it. He said it was monstrous. Like I was looking at a creature completely alien to me, that the only thing I knew about it was that it was something to despise.
I felt terrible. Poor kid. Poor kid. I resolve never to let my baby feel like that again.
Sometimes I think I'm unraveling.
But I've never gotten wound.
posted by Imez at 7:39 PM
5 Comments:
I can only say that a 19 month old is old enough to start realizing she can't have mommy every single minute of her life. And that her mommy can get really annoyed and tired of her.
Did your husband really say that?
Generally, children at that age are crabby little cling-ons almost by definition.
When mine were little and were acting up, I'd tell them in my most sweetest, sing-song voice that I was going to snap their little neckies, break their knee-caps and toss 'em in the trunk if they didn't knock it off. Not that I'd ever act upon such things, but it sure did feel good to say it. And the tone of my voice usually brought a smile to their faces...if only for a couple of minutes.
Hang tough!
He said the look was monstrous, I filled in the more detailed description. Make of that what you will...
twisted- thank you. I really usually feel like I am the only mother I know who honestly considers that it wouldn't be so bad to not be a mother.
I am not minimizing your frustration with motherhood - not at all - but I think part of being in the well is not really seeing that all of us are going through the same thing. Some of us just don't vocalize it as well. You are fine. And if you're ever feeling like it's more than irritation, no harm in seeing someone. Yes, I'm now Dr. Mama P. Just sayin'. I've been in your shoes. My father was manic depressive, and I always fear falling down that long long hole. Or I get angry super fast. Motherhood, while yes I'm one of those "my kids are nuts but I love them" moms, also has driven me to a rage I had not known prior.
And I'm not afraid to admit it. Because then I meet other moms who feel the same way and we're not bad. We're human. And good moms try to find the happy spot, even if we don't feel it right away.
So sorry, but you're not alone in the "you suck as a mom" camp. Hugs.
mama p
I am just, JUST, starting to consider I may not be alone. I mean, I knew there were people who felt like me but I figured they usually ended up in mugshots on the evening news. Thank you for the hugs.
Post a Comment
<< Home