The Weird Kid
Thursday, September 25, 2008
This post is ugly
This post is ugly.
This post will be deleted, eventually. But, its at least four years before she can read, so, no hurry.
Listen.
I'm not having any fun. Seriously. I'm not enjoying being a mother. I'm bored, I'm put upon, I'm tired even though I do so very little.
"Oh....poor Imez! Being a mommy is work!? Well that's no fair! Oh! You have to stop doing every thing you want when you want it? You have to tend to the needs of a helpless baby that you brought into the world, on purpose? You don't get to be the baby anymore? Tsk tsk oh that's too bad."
I know.
I fully expected to not want my old life back. Motherhood a permanent drug, enlightened and delighted, forever. But no. I want my life back, still. Or a chance to build an even better one.
I spend the better part of every damn day waiting for the hours to pass. I sit on my couch and try to keep Smudge from screaming. That's my day, my whole day. And they are slipping away. Sometimes I'll come to, out of my own head, from staring out the window and realize Smudge has been holding her sippy out to me asking for a refill, ("Uhh? Uhh?). I'm dreading when she realizes, Mama is bored and trying to escape.
She's only sweet sometimes. When she's sweet, my head clears, and all I can see is her and she's all I want to see. But, it is only sometimes. And she's not often fun. Too little to talk to.
Sean, he's tired too. He says, "I'm happy to leave work every day, and I'm always a little surprised and disappointed to get home and realize it's no fun here." We bargain hours with each other. "Let me go on the computer and then I'll take her when I go on my walk." The person stuck watching, tired, relenting, "Fine. Whatever." Duty, all duty, very little joy.
Don't console me. Tell me, what are we doing wrong? I'm ready to hear it. I can feel it. I can read it in other blogs, how contented all the mommies are. I'm doing something wrong. Maybe expecting too much. Maybe not engaging her enough, my natural laziness.
She's going to wake up any minute, and then I'll have to be half-asleep again.
This post will be deleted, eventually. But, its at least four years before she can read, so, no hurry.
Listen.
I'm not having any fun. Seriously. I'm not enjoying being a mother. I'm bored, I'm put upon, I'm tired even though I do so very little.
"Oh....poor Imez! Being a mommy is work!? Well that's no fair! Oh! You have to stop doing every thing you want when you want it? You have to tend to the needs of a helpless baby that you brought into the world, on purpose? You don't get to be the baby anymore? Tsk tsk oh that's too bad."
I know.
I fully expected to not want my old life back. Motherhood a permanent drug, enlightened and delighted, forever. But no. I want my life back, still. Or a chance to build an even better one.
I spend the better part of every damn day waiting for the hours to pass. I sit on my couch and try to keep Smudge from screaming. That's my day, my whole day. And they are slipping away. Sometimes I'll come to, out of my own head, from staring out the window and realize Smudge has been holding her sippy out to me asking for a refill, ("Uhh? Uhh?). I'm dreading when she realizes, Mama is bored and trying to escape.
She's only sweet sometimes. When she's sweet, my head clears, and all I can see is her and she's all I want to see. But, it is only sometimes. And she's not often fun. Too little to talk to.
Sean, he's tired too. He says, "I'm happy to leave work every day, and I'm always a little surprised and disappointed to get home and realize it's no fun here." We bargain hours with each other. "Let me go on the computer and then I'll take her when I go on my walk." The person stuck watching, tired, relenting, "Fine. Whatever." Duty, all duty, very little joy.
Don't console me. Tell me, what are we doing wrong? I'm ready to hear it. I can feel it. I can read it in other blogs, how contented all the mommies are. I'm doing something wrong. Maybe expecting too much. Maybe not engaging her enough, my natural laziness.
She's going to wake up any minute, and then I'll have to be half-asleep again.
posted by Imez at 1:29 PM
12 Comments:
Well you at least have to leave your house sometimes. The boredom is always a part of it, but you gotta find something to do. Even sitting somewhere busy watching people is better than festering at home.
You make boredom sound so evil.
Every child deserves to be adored and treasured by someone. You're right; sooner or later, she's going to notice that you aren't enjoying her, and she's sure to internalize that. While you're working on your own issues (which is a gift to her, BTW) I would find someone who will give her some big doses of adoration (a grandparent, loving neighbor, or a friend of yours) so that she develops a strong sense of value. If she has that, she will know that she is a treasure, even if she doesn't feel that from you. (Jeez, I hope that doesn't offend you. I haven't read you long enough to be sure that you feel this way all the time. I'm just taking this post at face value and assuming that you feel this way most of the time.) You are a good mom to be even thinking about this (and worrying about it.) Hang in there...
Oh my god, Imez, I remember those feelings so well, watching the clock, counting the hours until bedtime. And my husband felt exactly like yours. I think you'd mentioned she's two? Those few years are horrible and hard and truly mind-numbing. And anyone who denies that is full of shit or in complete denial.
I know you don't want pity, but I do want you to know that what you are feeling is completely normal for a parent of a child at that age. You read my blog and know that I could not be more in love with my daughter, but I did feel EXACTLY like you do about my daughter at that age. So what changed? Aat the risk of getting flamed by fellow commenters, I'm going to tell you what worked for ME, and I suspect would work for you. Everyone else can piss off.
First of all and most important: I got on anti-depressants. I vowed that would NEVER happen, but I truly feared that our relationship would be affected forever if I didn't do something drastic. Once I got on them it completely changed how I managed those feelings and my relationship with her improved greatly. If you already are on them, change your dosage or change drugs.
Second, I went back to work. I had to because we owned a business. I know this one is controversial but you know what? It SAVED me to get to spend most of the day having stimulating conversations. I found GREAT childcare where she spent the day playing and learning and then we were overjoyed to spend time together.
If neither of those work for you and your family, just do what you can to a) get out of the house (story time at the library, play dates etc.) and b) get someone to watch her a few hours a week so that you can have some time to yourself. Also, read Anne Lamott's book Operating Instructions. You'll laugh your ass off and it will help to know that she, too, wanted to throw her child off the roof every now and then.
I think writing this was brave of you, very brave. You are not alone, you are not a freak, and you are not a bad mother. Get help so that you can enjoy her and vise-versa. Anytime you want to talk, please email me: migrations06@yahoo.com
I felt this way that first three years. I disliked being a stay at home mom.
I tried doing mommy things, like story time at the library, and play groups, but then i was just bored with more people around.
After that, i went back to work. That worked for me.
You are depressed too, that isn't helping.
After reading these comments, I have to append - not story time at the library!!! Ach! Those woman made me feel like shit. You know who didn't, though? The less over-educated, far less earnest people at the McDonald's Playland. That's where we went. I drank coffee, M got some 2-year-old germ immunity built up. Play groups, Kindermusic, story time at library - those made me feel bad and inept.
I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I think the boredom is bound to abate, especially when she does start talking.
But what do I know? I don't have any kids.
This gives me all the more reason to be madly in love with you. The deal is this; you are a thinker, independent, strong. You do not buy into what ever happy; feel the loving spirit of bullshit, bullshit.
People who walk around with a vapid smile and glowing eyes about parenthood are usually full of shit. It's hard, it's dirty, it's inconvenient and it's exhausting. Just because you acknowledge this doesn't mean you don't treasure and adore you smudge, it doesn't mean you have regrets, it means you're honest and bright enough to call it what it is.
In a recent issue of More Magazine, Felicity Huffman made a strong statement about this. If you get a chance find the issue. She talks about parenting being the hardest thing she's ever done and how she hates questions that force mothers to pretend they no longer exist as anything but a mother.
But you asked for advice, something to do.
Do the things you want to do. Drag her along. Teach her to be independent, set up age appropriate play areas that you can let her move around in. Put several Sippy cups within her reach.
Find things you like to do that she can sit and do with. If you want to sit at the computer, find a toy that looks like a computer and set her up like you.
Follow Mingon's advice about taking her out. Go places with kid friendly places. Find a bookstore with a kids play area.
I used to take the boys to the germ infested play areas in the fast food places.
And for goodness sakes, follow Kate's advice. Spot on, every bit of it.
You are not alone
Kate's advice is terrific! And you're brave for admitting how you feel right now. It's not a politically correct thing to say out loud, but so many mothers feel and think like you do. And do try to get out and connect with other moms. Plop the kiddo in the stroller and get some exercise. It helps, little by little. *hugs*
mignon- you wouldn't believe how often you dwell in my head on these matters. I remember your blogs, where you felt over-weight and dull and wanted a day out where you didn't need elastic in your pants. And now look at you. That makes me think it will all even out...when the kid(s) are older.
4444- Thank you for your honesty. I hope I can comfort you by saying, Smudge is deeply loved. I am depressed, but not catatonically so, and she does get endless cuddles and sweet talk from me. My problem is that when I'm not doing that, I wish I were somewhere else. You are such a conscientious commentor. I enjoy having you in my little virtual life.
kate- I wrote you!
meno- Three years seems a long way off, specially if I have another one which I am compelled to do but why!
alyssa- actually, since people without kids are usually the harshest judges, (I certainly was) that mean a lot coming from you.
lu- thank you for such practical advice. Especially the "drag her along." I think there might be something there. Within reason. I took her to a book club meeting and lordy that was a bust. But I don't have to stay trapped in this house, do I?
beck No, again. Exhibitionist. Not brave. But thank you for saying that contrary to all evidence, I'm not the only one.
I'm a little late to this post, and I don't have kids. So take my two cents or leave it, I don't mind!
But I do work from home, and some days the boredom and lonliness really do build up and become oppressive, and I find getting out of the house with girlfriends (not husband, as much as I love him) is the answer. And two of my good girlfriends have kids, and they bring them along when we get together, and I don't mind at all. It is just nice to have the change of scenery and listen to someone else. It tends to put my issues in perspective.
We go to coffee shops, or meet up with wine (in water bottles!) at the park, or go for walks in their neighborhoods.
You know, I'm another believer in the "not the library play group"! My middle son was tough - he had colic so things started out bad and I think I was post partum after that (you don't really get it until you emerge from the fog, really) and I just had a hard time. I had worked with my oldest and decided to quit my job and stay home after our second was born and I remember just feeling like a complete failure. I didn't know any other moms, I didn't have anything to do, I figured I'd ruined him for life at the tender age of maybe one and a half.
But I didn't! Yay. We went to a library group once, he was about two and we sat there while the nasty library lady (I think she hates kids, I don't know why she's there) sang/read "Wheels on the Bus". I remember thinking "Oh my GOSH I can't sit here and do this," but I stayed for his sake. After about two minutes, he turns to me (he's in my lap) and says "I want to go home." We hightailed it out of there right in the middle of a song and never ever went back and we were SO HAPPY about that.
Walks help. Just take a walk. Let Smudge walk too, it will take forever but they like just getting out of the house. You don't have to go far at all. I let my baby (he'll be one in about two weeks) walk anywhere he can. He loves just to be out for a while. You can tell when he hasn't gotten out during the day, he's crabby and irritated (and so am I) so we try to do something non-money-spending related every day.
I obviously echo everyone else's thoughts here when I say even though it feels like it, you're not the only one who's had a hard time so if you can, take a little heart in that.
I just happened upon your post today and this one really got my attention. I dont think what you are feeling is abnormal at all. Babies wear you out!! Simple as that. I remember coming back to work after I had my daughter (who is 4 now, and lots of fun but still wears me out... just hang in there) It was sad at first but then became a relief b/c i got the social interaction i needed so badly. It gets better as they get older, they become more entertaining and it's great, just hang in there. HUGS! Bambi
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