The Weird Kid
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Thirty. Tired. Urine.
I am thirty years old and I am tired. I buy my husband's cream stout, and the electronic register beeps when the beer passes over it, reminding the check-out girl to make sure the sale is legal. She looks at me. I have my license all ready. I'm perversely proud of the photo on my license. The lady taking it said, "Oo, let's do this one again," when it came out on the computer screen. I looked like a Berke Breathed cartoon.
I said, "No! Nope, it's fine." Because I know the particles of this photograph will never align to form a Guess Jeans Girl, so let's all at least have a laugh.
Now the check-out girl looks at me, for only a second, and then continues scanning my groceries. My shoulders loosen and I quietly put away my license. The sign says, "If you look under 40, we will card you." Yeah, well. Lady, you may live the rest of your life without seeing my license photo. And it's pretty goddamn funny. That's on your head now.
Also, I smell urine. Everywhere in my house. I'm tired and everything smells of pee. Other people don't smell it, but dammit it's there. It must be. So many things pee inappropriately in the house. My baby and my easily frightened dog and my bland cat. Possibly myself, I don't know.
Yesterday I lucid-dreamed. I came to realize in Scarlett Johannson's double-wide that I was dreaming, that this couldn't be real. So I left my husband with Scarlett and her fat dog, took off my clothes, and went down the street. It was so sunny. I think I was looking for a place to pee. I lost lucidity then. But for that brief moment I'd never been so free.
I said, "No! Nope, it's fine." Because I know the particles of this photograph will never align to form a Guess Jeans Girl, so let's all at least have a laugh.
Now the check-out girl looks at me, for only a second, and then continues scanning my groceries. My shoulders loosen and I quietly put away my license. The sign says, "If you look under 40, we will card you." Yeah, well. Lady, you may live the rest of your life without seeing my license photo. And it's pretty goddamn funny. That's on your head now.
Also, I smell urine. Everywhere in my house. I'm tired and everything smells of pee. Other people don't smell it, but dammit it's there. It must be. So many things pee inappropriately in the house. My baby and my easily frightened dog and my bland cat. Possibly myself, I don't know.
Yesterday I lucid-dreamed. I came to realize in Scarlett Johannson's double-wide that I was dreaming, that this couldn't be real. So I left my husband with Scarlett and her fat dog, took off my clothes, and went down the street. It was so sunny. I think I was looking for a place to pee. I lost lucidity then. But for that brief moment I'd never been so free.
posted by Imez at 1:57 PM
4 Comments:
I don't wonder at your being tired. It's a lot of work, this living business.
Can't even remember the last time i was carded. Must be over 10 years now...
I ran across your blog through a mutual friend and just wanted to drop a line letting you know how much I appreciated your humor. Great post...except now I am smelling pee everywhere. Always nice to run into people like you.
meno- Yes, but I'm a young fragile flower, Meno. That means people should be gentle, AND card me.
Jeffrey- And it is nice to run into people life you, Jeffrey. And we're not paranoid. The Pee Conglomerate is real and coming for us.
Hi, Imez. I don't know how you found me, but I'm glad I found you back.
I have been ill, and I've spent a lot of time lying on my sofa. A few weeks ago, my dog was on a steroid, and he peed everywhere. One of the places was on the rug in the living room, and every time I lie on my sofa, the smell of pee chokes me.
I asked my husband to bring home something like Febreze to get rid of the pee smell. What did he bring, because he is a man? Something that requires I get down on my hands and knees and squirt and blot.
I can't squirt and blot. I am lying on the sofa because I can't bend or sit or stand.
I asked for Febreze.
I hope you get some of that.
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