The Weird Kid
Sunday, November 9, 2008
I'm back, for what it is worth.
Back, and rambling.
Stuck a list to my fridge, "Happy Home Checklist," a daily checklist to fight the loathing. The suspicion that my lazy mothering will hurt Smudge. Checklists are silly. But silly trumps immovable. List includes, "Smudge eat a veggie," "cook 1 meal," "Brush."
I had convinced myself I'm too weak to apply to grad school, and that I am a failure because I won't apply. That failure burns inside, make me project painful wicked heat to everyone around me.
But I want a second baby, and the one I have isn't even two. It isn't wrong to stop and raise them. So why do I feel I've failed? This desperation should not hum in me, startling me awake. Why can't I just wait? Wait and NOT be miserable.
In my head, I asked Dr. Horrible Laura, what to do? And she told me to quit whining. Be a mother, like I chose. Be a grad student later. I hate Dr. Laura.
Let it go. Let the burning cool. Stop blowing the embers with fear and comparisons.
I have a list, you know.
A self help book asked me, "What do you want?"
And for years, no real answer besides, "ummm, be thin. And...um...happy?" Funny how deeply I have always hated women who list those weak lame things as their only goals. Mirror mirror.
Now I have a good list. Real. Some parts of it?
1. A house in the woods.
2. To be pretty
3. To be frequently published.
Other stuff, too. Then the self help book says..."what are you doing every day to make these things real?"
Oh, well, shit.
I'm starting Weight Watchers Wednesday, through no small effort of arrangements.
And I'll make lots of lists.
Back, and rambling.
Stuck a list to my fridge, "Happy Home Checklist," a daily checklist to fight the loathing. The suspicion that my lazy mothering will hurt Smudge. Checklists are silly. But silly trumps immovable. List includes, "Smudge eat a veggie," "cook 1 meal," "Brush."
I had convinced myself I'm too weak to apply to grad school, and that I am a failure because I won't apply. That failure burns inside, make me project painful wicked heat to everyone around me.
But I want a second baby, and the one I have isn't even two. It isn't wrong to stop and raise them. So why do I feel I've failed? This desperation should not hum in me, startling me awake. Why can't I just wait? Wait and NOT be miserable.
In my head, I asked Dr. Horrible Laura, what to do? And she told me to quit whining. Be a mother, like I chose. Be a grad student later. I hate Dr. Laura.
Let it go. Let the burning cool. Stop blowing the embers with fear and comparisons.
I have a list, you know.
A self help book asked me, "What do you want?"
And for years, no real answer besides, "ummm, be thin. And...um...happy?" Funny how deeply I have always hated women who list those weak lame things as their only goals. Mirror mirror.
Now I have a good list. Real. Some parts of it?
1. A house in the woods.
2. To be pretty
3. To be frequently published.
Other stuff, too. Then the self help book says..."what are you doing every day to make these things real?"
Oh, well, shit.
I'm starting Weight Watchers Wednesday, through no small effort of arrangements.
And I'll make lots of lists.
posted by Imez at 8:22 PM
9 Comments:
getting started is so fucking hard. i hope it's something that helps.
I can't even make a list. I dropped out of grad school because I feared the thesis. I can't stick with a job because I figure someone will realize I don't know anything.
I think we're all so much alike inside. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes...it doesn't. Stick with your list. It's a big step, believe it or not.
Aw damn. And I've reduced your angst to bus-riding and going for walks. I'm sorry. You have much bigger ambitions than I. Why grad school, anyway? For an MFA in creative writing?
The list making is a big start, from what I hear. It's like that "secret to success" thing I've been hearing so much about lately. Write it down, and project it outward. If you have a goal on paper, it supposedly will push you to make decisions to make it come true. Act like the confident, successful person you want to become. Good luck with all of that, and so much more. Weight Watchers is a drag, but the only time I successfully lost weight was on one of their plans. Good for you!
I absolutely love making lists. So soothing, like a soft lullaby I can sing to myself. Just for one moment, as I compose my list, I'm actually successful because I intend to perform each item on my list.
I lost a bunch of weight going to Weight Watchers. It sucks, the meetings made me want to scratch my own eyes out, but I needed to be accountable to someone. It worked.
I often make lists of things I never get around to.
Doesn't do much for the self-esteem.
Hope yours goes better than mine.
You already know to take anything I say with a grain of salt, but here's what I'm thinking-
Have the kid.
Take some grad classes now. You can do it, just go slow. Or go fast… you choose.
if you can take some online classes.
Don't for one minute equate motherhood with self sacrifice. No one benefits from mother martyrdom. No one. It's the dive baby, the first few seconds are cold, but it you keep moving it's all good. You are all good.
I second what lu said.
The second kid is amazing. Difficult, yes, but so so so different. Mine entertain each other daily. They are my gift to each other.
I'm also a fan of grad school. It took me a long time to finish after my kids were born but dammit I did it and now I'm sure that I'm a rock star.
I thought about WW, too, but decided that the arranging was too much. I just sit at home and starve instead. Good times!
All of this is to say: I feel you, dawg. Hope the lists are helping.
i loathe doctor laura. that woman is heinous.
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