The Weird Kid
Monday, August 18, 2008
Open Letter
To The Guy Whose Tree is in my Backyard:
Not an act of God, you weasel. It was rotten! Your tennants told you it was rotten! Asked you to remove it before it hit their house. Now, come get your goddamn tree and fix my fence! That fence was younger than my BABY!! It never even had a chance.
And don't think by not answering my phone calls this is going to go away, chappie, even if Sean is ready to give up. I've been off meds for weeks now and you cannot fathom how pissy I feel.
To My Book Club:
Look, I can accept you didn't like Lolita. That you didn't read it, that you thought it was both exhaustively boring and obscenely pornographic, (and to manage those two things at once is a pretty damn impressive achievment). I know, well, I know now, that most of you have been sexually mistreated in your lives, except, ironically, for the one lady whose brother is serving time for child molesting. Okay. Fine. You coulda told me that before you all agreed to read it, I'm just saying.
But I don't want to read anything by a Sweet Potato Queen. She's not a real queen.
To My Baby:
You, you're okay. You can stay. But you cannot scream in indignant rage because the dog doesn't let you straddle and pee on her. She just isn't into that.
To Everyone From High School Who Didn't Think I Was Awesome:
I'm writing a book. You're all in it, and I'm going to make violent child pornographers look like Robin Hood compared to you. Afterwards, maybe we can hang out.
Not an act of God, you weasel. It was rotten! Your tennants told you it was rotten! Asked you to remove it before it hit their house. Now, come get your goddamn tree and fix my fence! That fence was younger than my BABY!! It never even had a chance.
And don't think by not answering my phone calls this is going to go away, chappie, even if Sean is ready to give up. I've been off meds for weeks now and you cannot fathom how pissy I feel.
To My Book Club:
Look, I can accept you didn't like Lolita. That you didn't read it, that you thought it was both exhaustively boring and obscenely pornographic, (and to manage those two things at once is a pretty damn impressive achievment). I know, well, I know now, that most of you have been sexually mistreated in your lives, except, ironically, for the one lady whose brother is serving time for child molesting. Okay. Fine. You coulda told me that before you all agreed to read it, I'm just saying.
But I don't want to read anything by a Sweet Potato Queen. She's not a real queen.
To My Baby:
You, you're okay. You can stay. But you cannot scream in indignant rage because the dog doesn't let you straddle and pee on her. She just isn't into that.
To Everyone From High School Who Didn't Think I Was Awesome:
I'm writing a book. You're all in it, and I'm going to make violent child pornographers look like Robin Hood compared to you. Afterwards, maybe we can hang out.
posted by Imez at 12:25 PM
7 Comments:
i SO want to read the book.
Book groups just kind of suck. I've got one i'm just trying out. If they read any sweet potato queen books, i'm out.
Yes! Series of open letters! I did one too!
http://sarahbooz.blogspot.com/2008/07/collection-of-open-letters.html
They make you feel so much better!
Plotting revenge can be such fun. The fantasy of payback can be bring out a dark creativity that blanks out everything else, shines a spot light on the perp.
Alas, it's futile and really a waste of time--completely human--completely a black hole that sucks everything into oblivion.
Just this week I spent time that should have been spent grading papers and solidifying lesson plans, dreaming up a retaliatory
e-mail to fire off to a fellow teacher who threw a hissy-fit at the copy machine. I planned a beautiful cut and paste of all things reflecting his position as my favorite asshole, complete with a photo of my favorite Martian with Asshole pasted over the word martian and his face photo shopped into the martian's face. I must have spent 30 minutes surfing images, copying into my photos, paste-ing....
After the fleeting euphoria when I locked on the vision of my final product the whole endeavor lost it's luster.
I let it go.
It's his loss, his burden, and I don't feel badly any more.
Have fun in the plan, have fun writing,
Then let it go.
Good luck with the the book and I look forward to reading it.
I noticed you've been blogging for a long time. I'd love to read your older stuff if it's still out there and available.
And to the author of this blog - you rock! :)
Hi -
now you've made me laugh. I'd love to read the book with your "high school friends" in it! Don't we all have people like that?
Though I will say, it's funny how different everyone's ideas are of each other. People always think that everyone else is much cuter/more fun/happier than they really are.
It's true.
Thanks for stopping by my blog, by the way. I see you know Meno, me too. :-)
ps I love the title of your blog!
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