The Weird Kid

I think about drugs all the time. Every day.

I have never taken an illegal drug, and I have never been drunk.

I had my reasons. I was better than those who did, mainly. Then I tried to get drunk for the first time recently and found the journey there too unpleasant to continue. Terrible tasting alcohol making you feel hot and furry in your head, heavy and tired, not happy and sweet like I wanted.

Every page I turn, ever DVD I put in, someone is smoking pot and having a great time. I can feel it, floating up and up and above all the bullshit in your life and nothing matters. I want that. I want it so bad.

Sean tells me of new drugs becoming popular, one that starts with an "s"...Silva? No, something like that. It's still legal. You eat it and receive and intense, vivrant 10-minute acid trip before it leaves you. And we talk about how Extasy must feel, so warm and good all you want to do is rub the arm of the person next to you and smile.

I will not buy illegal drugs, because I am afraid of prison and more afraid my Smudge would be taken from me. Plus, I am a good mother and would not be if I were high.

My life is so good. I have a good solid life. I can't understand this yearning to gently escape it, every day.